This Message Is Brought To You By The Child-Rearing Philosophy Of Gene Snitsky

Hello. My name is Gene Snitsky, and I'm here to change your life.

Are you sick and tired of another life leeching from your own?

Are you often forced to take your baby to work, because you can't afford a babysitter?

Do you have a permanent scowl on your face, and not only a receding hairline, but an increasing forehead?

Are you disgusted by the constant poopy smell of your own fingers?

Are you finding yourself sexually entranced by common household plumbing?

Is all of this caused by years and years of child-related stress?

I have good news for all of you fellow parents out there. You don't have to live this way!

Say it with me:

IT'S NOT MY FAULT!

What just and friendly God would create a face like this, and then force its owner to claim responsibility for the results of the sweet lovin' that ensues? Not all of my babies' mommas are responsible chicks. When they lose interest in changing diapers and having their lady bits chewed on, they drop the bag of brittle bones in my lap! How fair is that? Again:

IT'S NOT MY FAULT!

Luckily, I have devised a new system that will solve all of your offspring ordeals!

The Snitsky
BabyPunt 3000!

Click here to take a look at this magnificent new process in action!

Amazing! One simple step, and you're rid of that parasite forever!

I used it, and get a look at me now!

WOW! I look like a new man!

Unfortunately, not every parent, or parent-to-be will be open to my enlightened techniques. They may be so foolhardy to believe that the product of their loins is a good thing. Thankfully, I know better, and I will solve their mistakes. By any means necessary!

(NOTE: At least have the courtesy to introduce yourself before employing these methods. I made this mistake once, and let me tell you, nobody has been able to enjoy themself since.)

I have received some criticism from lookers-on who believe what I am doing is, of all things, murder. They do not understand my vision.

These kids need to grow a backbone sooner or later. Why not give them a jump start with a stiff boot to the spine? Ha ha! But seriously, they need to grow up. And if their mushy skulls can't take it, they probably wouldn't have made it in this harsh life anyhow. Better to weed out the weak ones while those organs are still at their most valuable.

Order now, and receive a special gift: Excerpts from my upcoming book, How To Wreck That Punk-Ass Tough Enough Kid Who's Trying To Steal Your Spot. Learn how to protect your place in the business from those non-dues-paying brats, by turning their brain matter into rice pudding with a steel chair. Guest authors include Triple H, The Undertaker, and ornery rookie-wrecking darling, Hardcore Holly.

Don't delay! Boot your baby today!

Original GameSpot Journal Post